Spongesonic Reviews
by spongesonic
Summary: Spongesonic reviews crappy fanfiction all over the internet, with the help of the Ace Attorney characters.
1. Spongesonic's Greatest Embarrassment

**I do not own the Phoenix Wright series.**

* * *

On March 3, 2011, I had an idea for a fanfic. An idea that had never been done before.

So, I typed up my idea and made it into a story. At first, I liked it, and originally, it was supposed to be a one-shot. But, due to requests, I ended making three more chapters.

I regret ever doing that.

Ever since that day, I've been getting reviews on said story saying that it is good and funny.

I can tell you right now that it is anything but.

So, in order to make up for my greatest mistake, I enlisted the help of (read: kidnapped) the Ace Attorney crew.

* * *

In a white room, there was a table. I sat in the middle. To my left was Phoenix, Maya, and Apollo. To my right was Trucy, Edgeworth, and Kay.

"Alright," I said, "are we all ready?"

"That depends..." Edgeworth started, his arms crossed. "Why are we here?"

"We are here to review my greatest embarrassment..." I said gusto. "And, seeing as how it involves you guys, I thought it only fair to invite you along for the ride."

"So let me get this straight..." Apollo said. "You kidnapped us and brought us all the way here...just so you could get us to review one of your stupid stories?"

I yelled, "Not just _any _of my stupid stories! We're reviewing the worst thing ever created by a human being! Well, next to My Immortal..."

Then I continued, "We are reviewing...I Write My Own Stories: Phoenix Wright Edition."

* * *

"The whole idea of characters writing their own FanFictions was new at the time. And, people seemed to like it! It's one of the few completed works I have in which I made a new chapter due to requests. At the time it came out, I thought it to be my greatest achievement...

"But, now that I'm more experienced, I can safely say that this story sucks. Period. It's worse than the movie parodies I made cast lists for, yet never got around to making actual chapters for. It's that bad.

"So what makes it so horrible that I can't stand to look at it? Well, let's take a look."

* * *

"First off," Edgeworth began, "you just have to love the title. I Write My Own Stories: _Phoenix Wright Edition_."

"Is the last part really necessary?" Kay asked. "No other 'Editions' of this story have ever been make."

"I know." I groaned. "There was originally supposed to be a Sonic version...but I became so embarrassed by _this _edition that the other story never saw the light of day."

Maya mumbled, "Wow. That's pretty bad."

"Enough about this." I quickly said. "Let's just start the review."

_Phoenix Wright's Fanfic_

_The awesome lawyer, Phoenix Wright, got married to the beautiful Iris, and the dumb prosecutor, Edgeworth, lost everything he owned._

_**THE END**_

"Oh, does that mean the story is over? Good-bye!" Phoenix enthusiastically said as he got up to leave.

I quickly pulled him back to his chair.

"Why do _I _lose everything I own?" Edgeworth asked, annoyed. "In case you haven't noticed, there is a perfectly good red-cladded greenhorn sitting to your left that you could _easily _pick on."

"Hey!" Apollo shouted.

"Would Nick _really _write something like that? It just seems so out-of-character." Maya questioned.

I sighed. "Trust me, Maya. If you hated that part, you'll just _love _what's coming up next."

_Maya's Fanfic_

_And Edgeworth starred at Phoenix. And Phoenix starred at Edgeworth. And they knew it was true love._

_**THE END**_

Everyone's jaw dropped. There was a silence.

Apollo finally mumbled "Phoenix/Edgeworth...you made her a Phoenix/Edgeworth shippper..."

"It was funny at the time!" I whined.

"Nick," Maya asked, "can I kill him?"

"No." Phoenix said firmly. "Because I will do it first."

* * *

**TEKNIKUL DIFIKULTYS**

* * *

Three days later, I walked into the room with a splint on my leg and my arm in a cast. I had a black eye and bruises on multiple parts off my body. Oh, and some of my teeth were missing.

"Alright..." I said. "Let's continue."

_Pearl's Fanfic_

_Pearly had finishhed her mishion to make Mr. Nik and Mistic Maya fall deep in love._

_**THE END**_

"Well," Trucy began, "at least _one _of us is in character."

"Ugh..." I groaned. "This is the worst of them all. Just look at the grammar and spelling!"

"Oh, come off it." Edgeworth said, raising his voice slightly. "You know you ship Phoenix/Maya too."

I looked down. "Yeah, you're right."

Phoenix and Maya just blushed and looked away from each other, as both were clearly not too keen on the subject matter.

"Alright, well, we can't go through every single 'fanfic' without breaking some kind of FanFiction rule. Plus, any more of this, and I might just tear my hair out. So, we're just going to go through some of the dumbest ones." I stated.

_Mia's Fanfic_

_And those are ten reasons why Edgeworth is not gay._

_**THE END**  
_

"I question as to why Sis would write that..." Maya murmured.

Kay continued, "Does she really know Mr. Edgeworth _that_ well to know something like that?"

"I doubt it." Edgeworth said while shaking his head. "We only met in one trial."

"Oh, that's _nothing_ compared to _this_." I groaned.

_Kay's Fanfic_

_And those are ten reasons why Edgeworth is gay._

_**THE END**  
_

"I am going to _murder_ you." Edgeworth mumbled.

* * *

**_(P.S. I have nothing against gay people. I just don't think Edgeworth appreciates being called gay.)_**

* * *

_Udgey's Fanfic_

_I hereby find this fanfiction to be…_

_**G O O D**_

_This story is adjourned._

_**THE END**_

"You heard him." Apollo said. "This story is **G O O D**."

"But not really." Trucy smiled.

_Apollo's Fanfic_

_Day 23_

_Today, Mr. Wright told me to clean Wright Anything Agency. While cleaning, Trucy came from nowhere and shoved me into a wall. She then proceeded to punch me over and over again, yelling, "Bother. Bother." She did this until I lost consciousness._

_I should have known Mr. Wright letting her watch Potter Puppet Pals was a bad idea._

_**THE END**  
_

"Hey, I remember that!" Phoenix said. "Gimme five, Truce!"

Trucy promptly gave her Dad a high five.

Apollo sobbed, "Why does my pain give you joy?"

_Yew's Fanfic_

_DIE! DIE! DIE!_

_**THE END**  
_

"This was the shortest yet." Edgeworth stated. "That is also why it is the best."

_The End's Fanfic_

_…The hell? What am I doing in a Phoenix Wright fanfiction? I belong in the MGS universe! Maybe it's time for a shave…_

_*KABOOM*_

_**THE END**  
_

There was a silence.

"Well, that was abrupt!" Phoenix finally said. "What was the point of that?"

"Just wait." I interrupted. "There's another one."

_Shadow's Fanfic_

_Why Maria? Why me? What am I doing in a PW fanfic? Why does SS keep inserting random characters into this fic? Will the fanboys be upset? What is my purpose? Who stole my wallet? Why…_

_**THE END**_**  
**

There was another silence.

"One question: Why?" Kay asked.

"Needless to say," Apollo stated, "this is about as pointless as watching Gumshoe go grocery shopping."

* * *

Meanwhile, at the grocery store, Gumshoe was faced with an important dilemma...

"Hmmm...should I get beef flavored instant noodles or chicken flavored instant noodles?"

* * *

_Gant's Fic_

_*stare*_

_**THE END**_

"Never mind." Edgeworth shrugged. "_This _is the shortest (and best) one."

"Finally, we get to the best part..." I said. "The end of the story!"

_Udgey's Fic_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_**GUILTY**_

_And so, the case of the cake being a lie was solved, thanks to the honorable judge!_

_Oh, and that lawyer guy. What was his name? Mr. Left?_

_**THE END**_

"How extremely underwhelming." Phoenix groaned.

"So now can you see why this is my greatest embarrassment?" I asked.

Everyone replied, "Yes!"

* * *

"With OOC-ness, stories that make no sense, stories that are completely pointless, and random crap that makes me want to tear out my corneas, it's easy to see why.

"Also, the story has no purpose now. I originally made it so I could get people to put Phoenix Wright in my Ultimate Truth or Dare Crossover, but now that he's in there, there's really no incentive for me to continue the story.

"One positive thing I _can _say is that this concept has the chance of being done _right _in the future. Some guy called Purple Handprint asked me if he could use this idea, and I said yes. Good luck to you, sir. Hope you don't end up failing like I did.

* * *

"This review is over now, but before we go, there's just one more thing we need to discuss..." I said. I turned to everyone.

"Ladder or stepladder?"

Suddenly, everyone in the room started arguing loudly.

* * *

**Yeah, I really didn't like that fic. Now everybody knows why, right? Right?**

***sigh* Anyways...**

**So, R&R, and be sure to either vote "ladder" or "stepladder!"**


	2. My Flame Against this Fic, Blaze!

**I don't own the Phoenix Wright franchise, nor do I own the Sonic franchise.**

* * *

_Review #2: My Flame,Blaze_

Sonic the Hedgehog is one of the most recognized video game characters ever created.

* * *

Meanwhile, George Plimpton said, "I didn't know!"

* * *

Sure, the blue blur has had his ups...

*insert Sonic Generations here*

...and his downs...

*insert Sonic '06 you knew this was coming...*

...but Sonic is still going strong.

Naturally, the series has gained a ton of fans, ranging from the "every new Sonic game sucks and Sonic should die" fanboys, to the people who actually care about the series...like me.

In fact, the guy is SO popular, that if you type in his name in the search bar, you get 115 pages of results!

* * *

"Which is why we are here today." I finished. Edgeworth, Apollo, and Mia were sitting to the right of me, while Manfred von Karma, Klavier Gavin, and Winston Payne sat to the left of me.

"So, let me get this straight..." Edgeworth immediately responded, "you decided to do another chapter for a story of yours that barely got 4 reviews...and for that matter, nobody asked for it?"

"Shut up!" I yelled, pouting. "I wanted to do another one because I felt like it..."

I got a lot of weird looks from everybody before Apollo finally said, "Anyways, what form of torture have you prepared for us _this_ time?"

"Oh, just a little something known by the name of...'My Flame,Blaze!'" I laughed maniacally before going back to normal, acting like nothing happened.

* * *

"This fanfiction made by Princess Catalina seems to be another one of those, 'forgets that a space is required after a sentence is finished' type of fics. I hate these types of fics. They get on my nerves. A lot.

"In any case, this story is classified as a Sonic/Blaze love story. Now, I'm personally a Sonic/Amy fan myself, but any pairing can be good if you manage to do it right. However, there are two problems to this. The first problem is that this isn't even a Sonic/Blaze love story. Now, I would have put a spoiler alert there, but not even the author of the story tried to hide this fact, seeing as how the description of the story is 'Sonic uses Blaze!'

"Now, like last time, I can't put the full story in here, as that would violate some fanfiction rules, but we have little story to cover and a lot of time to do it, so let's take a look!"

* * *

**_Blaze was happy Sonic made it to her demesion._**

"Wow." I said sarcastically. "This is the first sentence of the story, and ALREADY we have a typo. This is going to be great, I can tell..."

**_"Sonic, it's so beautiful tonight!" Blaze murmured in the hedgehog's ear._**

"That line was so cliche that it gave me a migraine." Edgeworth sighed while rubbing his forehead.

"If I weren't a ghost, it'd be giving me one, too." Mia frowned.

"So, Sonic and Blaze run through a field because...the plot demands it, I guess." Apollo explained.

**_"I love you,Blaze."_**

**_"I love you too,Sonic the hedgehog."_**

"Allow me to put this into my 'Complain Later' section!" I smiled.

"Fool! Get on with it!" von Karma firmly said with a finger snap following it.

"So, the story explains that Herr Hedgehog and Fraulein Firecat are madly in love with each other." Klavier stated. "Ah, young love. There is nothing more beautiful, right Herr Recolor?"

"Precisely why I've added this to my 'Complain Later' section." I groaned. "Because it also explains that Sonic hates Amy and that Silver loves Amy. Even though in the games, Sonic never said he hates Amy, and Amy admitted she would choose him over the world."

"But she only said that in Sonic '06..." Mia started.

"I DON'T CARE!"

_**"Promise me something,Sonic."**_

_**"What's that?"**_

_**"Promise me you'll always love me."**_

_**"I promise."**_

"And by that, I mean I'm going to betray you in the next three chapters." Payne smirked.

_"**Don't worry Amy!I'm sure it was just a friendly kiss, heck it may not have even been real!**"_

_"**I saw them!It was real!And it was a little TO friendly!**"_

"So, Sonic overhears Silver and Amy talking about two people kissing, and Sonic and Blaze think they're talking about them." Payne summarized. "Afterwards, Silver leads Amy to the kitchen to do...something. This scene is never explained, and by the last part of the story, it's never brought up again."

von Karma snapped his fingers.

**Big-Lipped Alligator Moment**

"And, I'm not kidding, that's the chapter." Edgeworth sighed. "It's pretty sad when we can summarize an entire chapter in one paragraph."

"Let's do another one!" I shouted, excitedly. "von Karma, if you would do the honors..."

"The fools eat breakfast and go downstairs." von Karma quickly stated.

There was a silence.

"...It that it?" Mia questioned.

"That's even more sad." I grunted. "A chapter summarized in seven words. What has this site come to..."

"So, Herr Pothead reveals that Sonic was playing Blaze for a fool all this time, and that he never loved her." Klavier said.

"Hey, remember my 'Complain Later' section I kept bringing up? Well, I can finally put it to good use in 3...2...1..." I explained.

**_"Okay, okay!I used you, Blaze!I'm really sorry but Amy is my true_** _**love!"**_

I ranted, "And, do you why this scene makes no goddamn sense? 1. Sonic admitted to being in love with Blaze, and even made a promise to her! Going with this twist just makes Sonic look like an asshole! And, 2. We went into Sonic's psyche! In his mind, there were only thoughts of love for Blaze and hate for Amy! In that case, how come Sonic suddenly doesn't like Blaze anymore?! If we went into his mind, shouldn't the whole, 'I love Amy and not Blaze' thing have been brought up? This is stupid! Stupid, stupid..."

* * *

**24 hours of pointless rambling later...**

* * *

"...and for that matter, why didn't he just ask, 'Hey, do you love me?' in the first place? SOMEBODY STOP ME!"

The only noise in that room for ten minutes was the sound of my panting.

Mia patted me on the back. "...Feel better?" she asked.

"NO!" I shouted.

"So...after Blaze punches him...and Sonic knocks her out..." Apollo started.

"Gee, isn't he such a likable person?!" I yelled.

Apollo continued, "...The story ends with Silver and Blaze hooking up."

"After which, we get this lovely note." I smiled sarcastically.

**_Told you it was confusing!In Chapter 6 it will, I guess be less confusing. -Catastrophic the_ _hedgehog_**

"Well, there is no Chapter 6, to which I can only say, thank god." I grumpily said.

* * *

"This story sucks, plain and simple. Sonic is a jerk, the final chapter screws everything up, and it is just so BORING! Nothing happens in this story! Sonic and Blaze just suck face until the reveal that Sonic is using her, and by then, I could really care less! And of course, the grammar, the sentence structure. Do NOT make your stories in the style of grammar that this person does, because if you do, it just makes people want to read something different, like Twilight. At least it has correct grammar usage!

"The bottom line is, stay away from this story. It has nothing going for it. Even if it did have correct grammar, and the ending plot hole didn't screw everything up, it would still be a very uninteresting story.

* * *

"Ugh. This story was stupid." I groaned. "Anything that makes Twilight look good by comparison has to be bad."

Suddenly, a bunch of Twilight fangirls broke into the room. "Kill him!" they all yelled.

"Eep!" I shouted, before running away.

* * *

**R&R, and don't make the Twilight fangirls mad!**


	3. Valentine's Day Special (Part 1)

**I do not own Ace Attorney, even though I wish I did. I don't own Twilight, either. (I'm glad I don't.)**

* * *

_Review #3: Imprinting Sucks ! _Part 1

I was planning on making a new chapter of The Ultimate Truth or Dare Crossover in order to celebrate Valentine's Day, but I got to a point in the story I didn't where I didn't know what to write next, gave up, threw my computer out the window in rage, and got a new computer to compensate. So, instead, I decided to review a Twilight fanfic. Why? Because I'm a glutton for punishment.

Now, like most of my gender, I try to avoid Twilight at every single whim. This has been incredibly easy due to the fact that every single female I am friends with hates the books, and even easier due to the fact that I am single.

But, because I found out today that literally every girl I know doesn't like me _in that way_, I felt the need to rant about something. So, ladies and gentlemen, Imprinting Sucks.

* * *

Phoenix, Maya, Trucy, Payne, and Franziska von Karma were sitting in the reviewing room, as per usual. Von Karma kept checking her watch from time to time.

"Where is that fool?" Von Karma wondered out loud.

Suddenly, I burst into the room. I was wearing a torn tuxedo and holding a crumpled bouquet of roses in my hand. Oh, and I was panting, too.

"...What happened to you?" Maya asked.

"The dogs...the dogs..." I repeated over and over again.

"I take it she rejected you, then." Phoenix inferred.

I took a seat in the middle of the reviewing room and opened the laptop.

"Right," I said, "today, we're reviewing _Imprinting Sucks ! _by Trunk'sfallenAngel"

There was a silence.

"What?" I asked.

"Summary?" Maya questioned.

"Nope, I'm not gonna do that stuff for multi-part reviews. So, let's dive in."

* * *

**_"Why do we have to move anyway?" I whine ._**

"Aaaaand, I'm already confused." I stated.

**_"Mia stop it. Your sisters are taking this well." Mom motions towards Violet and Sophia._**

**_My older twin Violet is sitting next to me face pulled into a angry scowl._**

"How can you have an _older _twin? If you are twins, doesn't that kind of imply you are the same age?" Phoenix questioned.

"What does have to happen to make you an _older_ twin?" Payne wondered.

* * *

There was a jump cut to a bad skit me and the others had prepared. I was dressed as a Doctor, Maya was on a laboring bed, and Phoenix was besides her.

"Push, Mrs. Robinson, push!" I yelled.

Maya screamed.

"Congratulations, it's a girl!" I stated.

"What shall we call her, honey?" Phoenix asked.

"Violet." Maya happily said. "Oop, wait, here comes the second one."

"Push! Push!" I yelled.

Maya creamed again.

"It's another girl!" I stated.

"To think that we are the parents of twins..." Phoenix trailed off...

"Actually, it turned into midnight two seconds before the second one was born, so technically, they're not twins..." I said.

There was a silence.

"Robert?" Maya called.

"Yes, dearie?" Phoenix asked.

"Please kill this man." Maya darkly said.

* * *

"...Only a fool would find that entertaining." von Karma complained.

"So Mia talks to er brother, Marcus, and, for some reason, starts thinking about how much it would scare her if he was gay..." Trucy continued.

"I dun get it." I said.

**_"Your such a perv Mia! It's a guy's house. And No I'm not gay. " He says dismissing my next comment. It still didn't fix the image of him fucking a guy. That was permanently burned in my brain for all eternity. Oh the horror!_**

"Rated T for Teen, everybody!" I said with sarcastic happiness.

**_"You know me well Marc." I smirk placing my feet on Violet's lap._**

**_She turns to regard me with a confused face. Her eyebrow lifting oh so delicately. She does everything like a princess. No wonder shes Mom's favorite._**

"I'm sorry, but...what does this have to do with Twilight? Correct me if I'm wrong, but, isn't Twilight supposed to be about a girl named Bella who falls in love with a vampire named Edward? I know Stephanie Meyers made it the blandest thing in the world, but, can we go to THAT, please?" I complained.

**_"I love you big bro! So any vampires in the area?" I ask casually while picking my nails._**

There was a silence.

"...What?" I asked.

**_"I love you big bro! So any vampires in the area?" I ask casually while picking my nails._**

"...WHAT?" I yelled.

**_"I love you big bro! So any vampires in the area?" I ask casually while picking my nails._**

"...WHAT KIND OF AN ABRUPT QUESTION IS THAT?!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "NO! NO! DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT..."

* * *

**TEKNIKUL DIFIKULTYS**

* * *

"So...while Spongesonic is in the basement, being de-crazified, let's continue with the review." Phoenix continued.

**_"Um a couple" He says awkwardly. He was probably wondering why I had asked._**

"Well, it was a rather abrupt question." Payne groaned.

"So, we get some playful banter...some playful banter...and, what a shock, some more playful banter!" Maya summarized.

"And, through some very poor exposition, it's revealed that Marcus is a wolf." Phoenix stated.

**_I lost my temper and then stayed pissed forever. Marcus looses his temper for brief periods then it's over. Tee-hee period._**

"Boy, nice to know that our leading lady is mature and likable." Payne complained sarcastically.

**_"Fudge you Marcus. You were at my level years ago."_**

"You foolish fool!" von Karma yelled, letting her whip fly even though the author wasn't there. "It's too late now, after you wrote..."

**_It still didn't fix the image of him fucking a guy._**

"Yeah, I'm gonna have to agree with Miss von Karma on this one. It's a little too late to take the Christmas Story route when you've already said the mother of all curse words." Trucy said.

"So, there's some exposition that some guy called Sam is the pack leader, and dear GOD am I bored! I'm sorry, but this is just so boring! Is this all there is? Nothing but exposition? You need to build your characters up before all this stuff at us, otherwise, we don't care!" Maya complained.

_**"We're here Girls!" Mom's high pitched aggravating voice rings. God damn that woman I was almost asleep.**_

_**Will anything ever go my way ?**_

"So that's the end of Chapter 1." Phoenix said.

"1 down..." Payne said. "30 more to go..."

**_I had been in a car for three god damn days. All I wanted to do was go to my new house which I would probably hate and fall asleep._**

"I'm sorry," Maya apologized, "but this has to be addressed right now...the main character is such a brat! She's always complaining, always thinks about herself, and is always pretentious for no reason whatsoever!"

"Now, I have heard that Bella is a lot like this, but trust me, this character is far worse...as you will soon see." Phoenix stated.

**_I open my mouth to say something that would sound sarcastic, snarky and most definitely offensive._**

**_"No, bad Mia." Marcus flicks my forehead._**

**_He must have lost his god damn mind! Who the hell does he think he's flicking? I was kind of pissed off. Does he know how much strength was behind that flick? Were- wolfs shouldn't hit females. It turns out badly._**

**_"Ow! What the fudge Marcus. I was only going to say I know not to push you too far." I growl motioning to my two very bad ass scars._**

"Scars? What scars? It would have been nice if you had mentioned these scars before!" Phoenix complained.

**_Scars that I would eventually get covered up with tattoos. As soon as I could make Mom feel guilty enough. The less I complain now the more crap I can pile on later._**

"But, you're so good at complaining, Mia!" Trucy said with mock sadness.

"That's one thing you'll notice about this fool." von Karma stated. "She always thinks about what SHE wants, and always plots about it. She's willing to do whatever it takes to get what she wants, without thinking about what the consequences will be."

"Bella SORTA did this in the second book, but she wasn't doing it constantly. In fact, half the time, she wasn't thinking anything at all!" Maya groaned.

Phoenix said, "However, this girl is doing it on a 24/7 basis! Never before have I seen a leading lady so unlikable in a fanfiction before!"

Suddenly, My Immortal appeared out of nowhere.

"What about me?" it asked.

"Go away. We're not talking about you." Payne snapped.

"Wow. Rejected by Payne...that's pretty sad." Maya said.

"So, after some pointless sibling fighting, we get...more exposition!" Trucy summarized with mock joy.

"Dear lord, again? Why is this story so damn boring? We have wolves! We have vampires! We have..." Phoenix started.

_**"Well one is to be careful around shape shifters. We can't have any incidents like that happening around innocent people." Sam says looking at me.**_

"...Shapeshifters?" everyone questioned.

"Were shapeshifters in any of the books?" Phoenix asked.

"I don't remember..." Maya said. "...Unless werewolves count."

"I don't think so." Trucy said.

"Also...is the main character a shapeshifter? It's not all too clear..." Phoenix inquired. "It may have been explained in some exposition before this moment, but you try reading that stuff without being bored to death."

**_For the next 4 hours I learned rules, history and other stuff._**

"Rules and history that we're never going to bring up at all!" Payne smirked.

"So, we get...what a shock! More exposition!" Maya explained.

"Foolish story!" von Karma yelled. "You have vampires, werewolves, and shapeshifters! Do something with them!"

**_Billy smiles at me kindly before nodding. I like Billy he reminds me of my Dad. My Dad before my bitch of a Mom drove him away. God I hate her. She must be the anti- Christ._**

"Other than be pretentious!" von Karma snapped again.

**_It looked like I would never fit in, no matter where I am. I was is and will always be an outcast, a loser a freak. I'm destined to be forever alone._**

"Yes we get it! You hate your life! Now, do something important!" Phoenix yelled!

"So," Maya started, "that ends chapter 2, and..."

**_Its official life in La Push was crap. Ever since we've been here my life has gone down the drain. I just wanted to go back home. My tight family unit is falling apart!_**

"WE GET IT!" everyone yelled. "WE GET IT! WE GET IT! WE GET IT! WE GET IT!"

"It's official, people!" Phoenix complained. "This girl complains more than Bella does! That is a HUGE accomplishment, people, that is a HUGE, HUGE accomplishment!"

"So, after meeting a new character called Dalila, she decides to kill herself, but is saved at the last minute by Dalila...I think." Maya summarized.

"Then she gets a call from her 'older twin.'" Payne stated.

**_"I thought no one would mind my leaving. You can't bring yourself to part with your precious Seth anyway. All you guys do is leave me now." I growl._**

**_"Is this what this whole thing is about your jealous?"_**

**_"NO THIS IS ABOUT ME WANTING TO MOVE OUT OF LA PUSH! THIS IS ABOUT ME WANTING US TO BE A FUCKING FAMILY AGAIN. THIS IS ME WISHING I HAD DIED WITH DAD THAT IS ME WANTING MY SISTER BACK!" I yell._**

**_"BUT I GUESS SOME THING GOOD CAME OUT OF ALL THIS SHIT! I LEARNED THAT YOU CAN'T TRUST FAMILY! BECAUSE THEY ONLY LOVE YOU WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT FOR GUESS WHAT IT'S NOT CONVENIENT FOR ME TO LOVE YOU ANYMORE. SO I GUESS YOU CAN JUST GO JUMP OFF A GOD DAMN CLIFF!"_**

"SHUT UP!" Maya yelled.

Everyone was silent.

They had expected a reaction like that to come out of Phoenix or von Karma, but not Maya!

"Are you oka..." Phoenix started.

"NO! No, I am not okay!" Maya yelled at the top of her lungs. "This character is the most selfish, careless, and heartless person I have ever seen! She's always going on about how much her family doesn't love her, but in reality, she is the one without love! Her family cares for her, tries to help her, and worries about her, and THIS is the thanks they get?! Even Bella had more dignity than this! She thinks she knows everything there is to know about family, but she knows jack SHIT! I was abandoned as a child, grew up for most of my life without a mother, saw my sister's lifeless corpse, be blamed for her murder, watch my mother die in front of me, and be blamed for THAT murder, and even _I _know more about family than she does! This idiot knows nothing about love or family, and when she complains, I don't feel sorry for her! I just want to see that pretentious BITCH get what's coming to her!"

She then broke down and started sobbing on Phoenix's arm.

"Ummmm...we'll be right back..." Trucy said.

* * *

**Will Spongesonic ever be de-crazified?**

**Will Maya recover from her emotional breakdown?**

**Will this story shape up and start to get better?**

**Tune in next time to find out!**

**Same Spongesonic Time!**

**Same Spongesonic Channel!**

* * *

**Um...R&R...I guess?**

**Um, yeah, this chapter was a bit awkward.**


	4. Valentine's Day Special (Part 2)

**I do not own Twilight or Phoenix Wright.**

**2 chapters in 2 days...I need to get a life.**

* * *

_Review #3: Imprinting Sucks !_ Part 2

Luckily, my sanity quickly returned to me three days after the incident happened.

However, even though I was well enough to review the next part of the fanfiction, Maya still hadn't recovered from her emotional breakdown, so she stayed at home, crying all day. Phoenix stayed with her to comfort her and help her to get better. (But mostly because the author is a big Phoenix/Maya fan.)

So, because Phoenix and Maya were staying at home, I had to find replacements. So, I got Godot, Edgeworth, and Kay to come in. The other three, however, couldn't provide a valid reason as to why they couldn't review the story with me, so they had to stay in the review.

* * *

In the reviewing room, Kay, Edgeworth, and Godot were sitting to the right of me, while Franziska, Trucy, and Payne sat to the left of me.

"Alright...I can handle this." I repeated to myself. I prayed to God that I wouldn't go apeshit again, and I opened the laptop.

**_My family was ignoring me. I don't just mean leaving me like last time. They weren't talking to me or anything. The pack was also giving me the cold shoulder._**

"Well, maybe if you weren't such a bitch in the last three chapters, they might have talked to you." I said coldly.

"So, Mia describes Dalila's family. One person she mentions in particular is Diataro, Dalila's brother." Edgeworth summarized.

"While on a shopping trip with Daitaro, Mia quite literally runs into Marcus." Kay said.

**_"Are you okay Mia?" He asks raising my arms and closely studying me for injury. I let out a amused laugh at his stupidity. At the sound of my laugh he calms down and blushes. Embarresed he showed so much concern._**

**_He stands helping me to my feet . I bend over picking up the bag of apples._**

**_"Was my Dai worried?" I pinch his cheek. He glares knocking my hand away._**

"Awwwww..." Trucy began, "They're gonna be the cutest coup..."

**_"We're joking this guy is my soul bro." I laugh._**

"Never mind." Trucy finished.

**_" We aren't angry. You can stop avoiding us and hanging with your replacement family." My jaw drops at his words._**

**_"Don't you talk about them like that! And frankly I don't give a shit if you guys are mad or not. I'm mad at you. And that's the reason because nobody ever thinks about me! Well guess what the Carters think about me every second of the day. "_**

"Dear lord, is this girl selfish! I'm sorry for beating a dead horse, but, it's true! If you had any doubts as to how selfish this girl can be, this line will remove all doubt!" I yelled.

"I'm disgusted as to how this woman can share the same name as the best attorney I've ever known." Godot complained. He took a sip of coffee right after saying this. "So, Notmia reveals through some very poor exposition that she and Daitaro are now dating."

"Notmia?" I questioned.

"She doesn't deserve the name of Mia anymore." Godot said coldly.

**_Despite how he acts Daitaro was a gentle men. He opened all my doors. Wasn't octopus hands on our dates. Brought me flowers and choclates. Always called to make sure I was okay. He's never late. He is the perfect guy all girls want._**

I started singing to the tune of Scooby-Doo. "Gary-Gary-Stu! Where are you? Get out of our review, now!"

Von Karma crossed her arms. "What does this foolishness even have to do with the foolishly foolish story this was foolishly based off of?"

Kay crossed her arms, too. "Much as I hate to agree with Franzy, she's right. There is nothing about this story that relates to Twilight at all."

"Sure, it has werewolves and vampires and romance," Payne said, "but that doesn't make it a Twilight story."

"I could make a story about a young boy who goes to a wizard school to learn magic, but the moment I change the boy's name to Gerald and change the name of the school to Fleegsnort, it's not a Harry Potter fanfic! Not unless I somehow include characters that were actually in the books!" I complained.

"So, we get a montage of the family just being happy and just having a good time." Trucy summarized.

"And then...we get this." Godot said.

**_With a feeling of calm and safety hovering in the air. I drift off into a dreamless sleep._**

**_The others are also getting out_**

"I dun get it." I said. "Are they abandoning her? Did they just forget she was there? Did they see something shiny and just decided to go check it out? Explain, story! Explain!"

Godot began "So, that ends Chapter 5, when..."

**_I sat on the Cliff staring out at the ocean blinking back tears. This was the first time I had been alone in forever._**

"Oh dear lord, stop effing moping!" I yell. "Do something!"

**_It had been 6 days since the Carter's had left town. Their grandmother had gotten sick and they'd left to go take care of her._**

"Oh, is that so? Seem this is what a family does - helps other family members! Something you constantly fail at doing." Edgeworth groaned.

**_Jacob's POV ( Your probably thinking finally.)_**

"Wait...Jacob? You mean THE Jacob?" I asked. "Does this mean you are finally...relating this to Twilight?"

There was a silence.

"Finally! Some relevance to the books!" I yelled. "Wait...why am I excited about this?"

**_She looked so familiar. She reminds me of Violet Embry's imprint. Wait, is she Mia? Oh great of all the people I had to imprint on._**

"Um...correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't imprint in the Twilight universe mean 'reserve to marry?'" I asked.

"I dunno." Payne shrugged.

"...And how old is this girl?" I questioned.

Edgeworth responded, "Oh, below the age of 18, that's for sure."

There was a silence.

"Pedophile?" I asked.

"Pedophile." Everyone responded.

**_"Uh well. I didn't really expect anyone else up here." I stumble over my words trying to figure out something to say. It was true I had come up here to think about Bella. I didn't expect to meet the love of my love._**

"I love you, love!" Kay said with a mock 'lovey-dovey' voice. "You're the best emotion ever!"

**_I couldn't just give this girl one look and love her!_**

"So, you admit that the romance in the books is bullshit?" I asked, smugly.

Suddenly, the Twilight fangirls burst into the room with pitchforks and torches.

* * *

**TEKNIKUL DIFICULTYS**

* * *

Me, Edgeworth, Kay, and Godot somehow managed to escape to the basement.

"We should be safe here." I stated.

"Wait, what about the others?" Kay inquired.

There were screams of torture from upstairs.

"They're goners." I said.

**_And from what I've heard she's annoying, stubborn, sarcastic, rude and just a plain bitch in general._**

"Finally, someone who speaks the truth about Notmia." Godot said, before taking a sip of his coffee.

"So, after that, Jacob and Mia..." I started.

Godot growled.

I continued, "Oh, I'm sorry, 'Notmia,' hit it off, I guess..."

"Thus ends Chapter 6." Edgeworth concluded.

_**"Wait, I remember seeing you at the beach with 3 girls and one boy. The guy was your boyfriend right?" Emily asks. I close my eyes and breathe in deeply.**_

_**"Not anymore." I say through clenched teeth.**_

There was a silence.

"...When did that happen?!" I yelled. "Don't you think the break-up of two of the major characters of this story was worthy of being shown instead of having the break-up happen off-screen?"

"Even Twilight, though the romance is bullshit, showed the break-up between Bella and Edward!" Kay complained.

**_"We just want to know what's new in your life." Emily says innocently, a little too innocently._**

**_"Yeah we're just trying to be friends." Leah defends leaning away from me._**

"Finally," I started, "Maybe Notmia will start to show a little compassion towards these peop..."

**_"Look we barely know each other. When someone mentions you guys I think oh the wolf girls. I don't think oh my best female friends ever. I just know they're has to be an alternative motive. Are you doing undercover work for Sam and my brother?" I ask giving them by best glare._**

"Good lord, lady! What the hell is your problem?!" I yelled. "Here's an idea for YOU, little miss! Instead of complaining that nobody has any compassion for you, why don't YOU try showing some compassion?! Try to get to know them better! Try to learn what their likes and dislikes are! You keep complaining that everyone in the world is against you, when really, you're the one against everyone in the world! The minute people stop thinking about you is the minute you turn your back on them! There is a reason why everyone keeps saying you're a bitch! It's because you ARE! If you want my advice, f***ing GROW THE F*** UP!"

There was a very long silence, minus my panting and the torture that was going on upstairs.

"...Are you okay?" Kay finally asked.

"NO!" I yelled.

Edgeworth cleared his throat. "So...Mia asks..."

Godot growled.

"I'm sorry." Edgeworth continued. "'Notmia' asks if Jacob hates her...I can't imagine why...and the chapter ends with this."

**_I would NEVER EVER like Jacob Black! I was in love with Daitaro and when he got back we would be together again._**

"So, we're done with Chapter 7..." I began after catching my breath.

**_This was just odd. I was once again in Emily and Sam's house. Even though it was weird because I had vowed never to come here again._**

"Oh, f*** you, Notmia. I could really care less what happens to you at this point." I grumbled.

"So, after a bunch of filler, it's revealed that Daitaro called Notmia." Godot explained.

**_"He said he wanted me to tell you that their grandmother still isn't better. In fact she got worse. And not to go into the woods at night." She says. The pack's smiles turn to looks of worry._**

"Okay, how long until she goes into the woods at night?" Kay asked.

"In Chapter 9, Notmia meets new neighbors that seems really nice." Edgeworth summarized.

"How much are you willing to bet that she's gonna act like a bitch to them, too?" I snapped.

"We're gonna skip chapter 10, because it's just a bunch of links to pictures. And, in Chapter 11..." Godot began.

**_Do you know how my Dad died?" I ask._**

**_"No you barely told the cops anything." He shakes his head._**

**_"That's because I- I don't remember much at all. We we're walking in the forest alone. Mom had just left Dad._**

"You're not." I groaned.

**_I was the only child Dad had won custody of. Well he didn't really win custody of me. Mom just never wanted to take me." I pause._**

"You're really not." I groaned again.

**_We were only out there because he said he had to tell me a very important secret. Right before he did s-something happened he told me to run. He told me to run to the house and as soon as I get there turn on all the lights and lock every single door and window._**

"Stop! What are you doing?!"

**_"When I woke back up I was lying on the forest floor. I was walking around the forest until I found Dad. He was face down on the ground with these deep gashes in his back. His leg was crushed and bent at an awkward position. And his wrist was broken. I ran around trying to find a way out of the forest. When I found a way out I ran to the Black's house to get help. I didn't know Dad was already dead. The police said it was bear. But now knowing what I know I'm not so sure it was." I sigh._**

I facepalmed. "Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?! Are you THIS desperate to make your character look good? You are desperate enough to take the 'implied murder route' to make your character look good? Here's a nice idea! Instead of trying to make other characters look bad to make your character seem reasonable, try giving your character qualities that I can respect! Dear LORD, can you get ANYTHING right?"

**_"Do you ever want to end it all sometimes? Do you ever think it's just not worth it anymore?" I ask._**

**_"Don't tell me you're thinking about killing yourself?" He gasps._**

"Please do!" everyone yelled.

**_"You just have to look for the good in life." Quil smiles._**

"With this girl, that's impossible." Godot said coldly.

"You got that right, Godot!" I yelled. "This girl never thinks of anything positive! At all! She always focuses on the negative!"

"So, with that, we're done with Chapter 11. And, in Chapter 12..."

Suddenly, there was a loud BANG!

"W-what was that?" Kay asked.

"They're trying to get into the basement! Quickly! To the door!" I yelled.

We all pushed against the door, to keep the fangirls from reaching us.

But, our effort was in vain. The Twilight fangirls broke the door down and burst into the room, while Kay, Edgeworth, Godot, and I fell unconscious.

* * *

**Will Spongesonic escape the wrath of the Twilight fangirls?**

**Will Phoenix and Maya ever reenter the review?**

**Will Notmia ever stop being an unlikable bitch?**

**Tune in next time to find out!**

**Same Spongesonic Time!**

**Same Spongesonic Channel!**

* * *

**Okay, that joke is getting old, fast.**

**Still, R&R!**


	5. Valentine's Day Special (Part 3)

**I do not own Phoenix Wright or Twilight.**

**OK****, seriously, three parts in three days. I need to find a girlfriend, or something.**

* * *

_Review #3: Imprinting Sucks ! _Part 3

So, while I was being subject to the evil tortures of the Twilight fangirls, Phoenix and Maya were a couple blocks down. Obviously, they couldn't hear what was going on outside, since they didn't hear the violent raiding of my house a couple blocks down.

* * *

Maya, for some reason, still hadn't recovered from what happened to her on the day we reviewed the first three chapters of this schlock-fest, as she was still sobbing on Phoenix's arm.

"...A-And I know that *sniff* if I hadn't even gone there in the first place *sob* sh-she would still be alive!" Maya managed to say in between sobs. "I-It's all my fault!"

Right when Phoenix was about to respond, Apollo came crashing through the window, killing the mood that the author had bothered to set up.

Phoenix yelled, "Dude! What the hell are you doing?!"

"Mr. Wright, something terrible is going on!" Apollo responded.

"Yeah, yeah, that's nice," Phoenix said, not really paying much attention, "but how did you manage to crash through my window?!"

"...Huh. I dunno." Apollo frowned.

"And... *sniff* *sniff* ...do you smell something burning?" Phoenix asked.

"Oh, yeah. That reminds me. Spongesonic's house is on fire." Apollo stated.

At practically the exact same time, Phoenix and Maya yelled, "Say WHAT?!" Then, they went to the (now broken) window to see that, indeed, my house was on fire.

"When did this happen?" Maya questioned.

"I dunno." Apollo shrugged. "But, I did see him being taken away by a group of girls. Maybe, if we follow them back to their hideout, we can track him down!"

"Right," Phoenix announced, "if we want to catch up with them, we'll have to make up for lost time! Quickly! To the Wrightmobile!"

* * *

They followed the group of fangirls until the fangirls got on a bus headed to Canada. While following the bus, Maya took out her laptop and continued where I left off to pass the time. (Don't ask me how she knew where I had stopped, I honestly have no clue.)

**_"You must be lying." Connie gasps._**

**_"I swear to god I had my head stuck in that banister for three hours before Mom came home." I laugh._**

"Aaaaaand, I'm confused." Maya said.

**_"I was a super stupid kid; I'll admit that very openly." I say holding up my hands._**

**_"At least you aren't like SOME people who think they're all that and more." Cheri says looking pointedly at Lyn_**

**_"Go fuck yourself." Lyn shoots back adding a nasty glare._**

"Apparently, the author has decided to give up on the Christmas Story route." Phoenix shrugged, running over a stray dog in the split second he looked away from the road.

"See, this is why you don't have your license." Maya stated.

"So, the main character and her friends go shopping...which we're going to skip because it has no impact on the plot whatsoever..." Apollo began.

Maya cut in, "And...then we get...this scene...see if you can make a lick of sense out of it."

**_Right as I start to walk after my friends I run into something that feels like smooth stone. I fall to the ground my bags scattering across the floor._**

**_"Are you okay?" A girl with a red hair in a pixie cut asks._**

**_"I think I am." I mutter. Why do I always hurt myself?_**

**_I pick my bags up slowly._**

**_"Here let me help. I'm Alice by the way. Alice Cullen." Alice says handing me the bags._**

**_"No wonder I felt like I hit stone." I mutter. _**(Huh?)

**_"Wait are you Mia?" Alice asks carefully. _**(What?)

**_"Uh Huh." I say slowly._**

**_"So you know?" She asks. _**(Know what?)

**_"Yep." I say as she helps me to my feet._**

**_"Weird you don't smell bad." Alice comments. Why would I smell bad? _**(Wha...?)

**_"I guess I should leave. Don't want you getting in trouble for smelling like us." Alice says. "It was nice meeting you Mia." Alice says walking away._**

"...Well, I suppose the name of the chapter isn't 'What just happened?' for nothing." Phoenix shrugged.

Apollo responded, "I don't think that's the type of 'What just happened?' the author was going for."

**_"I ran into Alice Cullen today." I say._**

**_"What the hell Mia!" Quil growls._**

"How DARE you meet someone new!" Apollo yelled. "That is very inconsiderate."

**_"Hey where's Jacob?" I ask noticing his absence. "He's not hurt or anything is he?" I ask starting to feel unbelievable levels of panic._**

"How DARE he not be in this house every single moment of the day!" Maya shouted. "It's almost like he has a LIFE or something!"

**_"He's with Bella." Embry says._**

**_"Oh." I say slumping in my chair scowling at the floor._**

**_I could feel the little flames of jealousy burn my insides. I quickly shove those thoughts down. I had no romantic feelings for Jacob Black._**

Phoenix opened his mouth to say something.

Maya deadpanned, "Don't argue with all the logic flaws or we'll be here all day."

"Good point." Phoenix said, having to swerve from hitting a truck at the last second.

**_"Stupid little leech lover." I mutter under my breathe._**

"Um...was that supposed to be a racial slur, or what?" Apollo questioned.

"I have no clue." Maya shrugged.

**_I groan letting my head fall on the table._**

**_"Don't do that you'll hurt yourself." Emily scolds._**

**_That's another thing. The pack has been acting protective of me. In fact they're acting as protective to me as if I was actually a part of the pack or an imprint. I chuckle shaking my head like that'll ever happen. I'd have a better chance of being taken to the twilight zone._**

There was a silence.

"...Pardon?" Maya asked.

**_I'd have a better chance of being taken to the twilight zone._**

"Wow." Phoenix said. "That has got to be one of the WORST jokes I have ever heard in my life."

Apollo summarized, "So, the group argues about...something...and it turns out that Mia is dying due to...something."

"So, Mia passes out and wakes up in a hospital." Maya stated.

**_A man with blonde hair and strange colored eyes walks in. He was astonishingly handsome. He was so cute I could barely look away. He still wasn't cuter than Jacob though... WAIT I DIDN'T MEAN THAT! I DON'T LIKE JAKE. Oh Dait please forgive my weak heart._**

"Oh, will you stop it?!" Apollo yelled. "We know she's gonna fall in love with him! We know it's not gonna be the least bit surprising! We know it's gonna suck! Get it over with!"

**_"I am Doctor Cullen." He says. That explains the lab coat._**

**_"Wait did you say Cullen?" I cough getting the last of the scent out my lungs._**

**_The wolf's said vampires smell horrible to shape shifters._**

"Oh, well, how convenient." Phoenix deadpanned.

**_"You also hadn't eaten very much we had to put you on an IV." He points to the needle in my arm._**

**_Dammit now Marcus really is going to have the pack following me around with food. They might tie me to a chair and force me to eat my way through mountains of Emily's muffins!_**

"YES! WE GET IT! THEY'RE OVERPROTECTIVE!" everyone screamed.

Maya yelled, "How does this bitch go from complaining about nobody thinking about her to complaining about everybody thinking about her?! I find it ironic that the same person who said..."

**_ And that's the reason because nobody ever thinks about me! Well guess what the Carters think about me every second of the day. "_**

"...is now mad that the pack is thinking about her every single moment of the day! Are you EVER satisfied with your life, you annoying little brat?!"

**_"Oh I thought you were going to die." Claire__ sobs._**

"Wow, there's just _so_ much emotion here." Phoenix deadpanned.

**_That's a bit dramatic but I'm kind of liking the attention I'm receiving. Maybe it's because I'm use to being blatantly ignored to the point even I wonder if I exist._**

Everyone in the car slammed their head on the nearest object.

Apollo yelled, "What is up with this girl?! Just a few seconds ago, you were complaining that they were paying too MUCH attention to you!"

Maya started, "So Jacob comes into the room, and..."

_**Jacob's POV (I know you guys we're dying for this)**_

_**That was it then. We had to be together. I thought avoiding her and acting cold would help. It didn't, she just seemed more determined to get me to like her. She was constantly smiling at me being polite and sweet.**_

Everyone in the car broke out into laughter.

"T-t-t-t-that's a good one!" Maya said in between chuckles.

"'Polite and sweet...' Dear, LORD, man, you are HILARIOUS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Apollo yelled.

The laughter died down after a few minutes.

"Ha ha...Phew!" Phoenix sighed. "So, Jacob makes the inference that if he is around her, they'll end up being more than 'just friends,' and this bothers him, for some reason."

Maya began, "So, when the next chapter begins, we get more angst. Yippee."

"Mia thinks of all the happy times she had with her dad, so she runs away and goes to her old home, and sees how much it's changed...but, because the readers have never seen this house before, we actually never get to know how much has changed." Apollo summarized.

**_She must have thrown a piss y fit cause she didn't win it in the divorce. But Dad was determined to keep a couple of things for my inheritance. He made sure no body but me could touch it. It was airtight no way around it, unless you killed me of course. But not even she'd stoop that low._**

**_But It didn't take a physic to know Mom was going to favor my siblings over me. And when Dad died almost everything he had he left to me. My siblings didn't mind because they also know what's going to happen when Mom dies._**

**_She's gonna leave me with shit because she hates me. And since she couldn't win this house she might as well wreck it so her kid can't have it! Real mature you selfish bitch._**

"Oh, will you get off the whole' my mom is evil' thing?!" Maya yelled. "I'm sorry, but, why is this fic so persistent on making the mom out to be the villain when she _hasn't done anything_?"

Phoenix continued, "Now, if we actually _saw_ the mother being cruel to the main character, even in flashback, then I would understand. But, because the mother is given such little development, we never see her do anything! The most cruel thing we saw her do is in the first chapter, when she tells her daughter to stop being so moody! Because, God FORBID that this mother has better things to do than to listen to her daughter complain over, and over, and _over, and over, and _OVER, AND OVER, AND _OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER AGAIN!_"

**_Besides people are always telling me to live in the now and let go of the past._**

"That is good advice!" Apollo stated. "Maybe you should try following it."

"So, she finds a cat in the house...wait...why was there a cat in the house...?" Maya started. "...And, she decides to name it Oreo."

Phoenix continued, "And, the mother shows her _evil wicked ways_ and all that stuff by _letting her keep it."_

Everyone in the car facepalmed at this, even Phoenix, who shortly thereafter, had to swerve to avoid hitting a pedestrian.

**_"Oh thank you!" I say gently putting Oreo down before launching myself into Mom's arms._**

**_After a second she awkwardly wraps her arms around me. I could have smiled at the way she did it._**

"Again, this is the _evil and terrible mother _that is doing all this stuff for you." Apollo deadpanned.

**_I jump when I feel something touch my leg. This makes me lose my balance and I tumble right into Jacob's back. On instinct I wrap my arms around him to stay upwards._**

"Well, that was a bit clumsy." Phoenix stated.

**_"Are you okay?" He asks._**

**_"Why wouldn't I be?" I ask._**

**_"Well you did just trip."_**

**_"Into your back of steel." I grumble._**

"I'm sure there is _some _sort of innuendo in there. I just can't find it." Maya shrugged.

**_"Quil?" I say._**

**_"What?" He ask turning his head to look at me._**

**_"Do you ever wonder what's gonna happen to everyone when we get older. Like if we'll still be friends or stuff?" I ask._**

**_"Nope." He says shaking his head._**

**_"Why?" I ask._**

**_"Because there's no point is worrying about tomorrow. It's not tomorrow yet, it's today. People who get to caught up in the future never enjoy right now. And when you do that you miss out on all the little things." He says._**

**_"But don't you have to plan things sometimes?"_**

**_" Not saying you shouldn't think about the future at all. It's good to plan things. But if you want things to go exactly as planned you'll just stress yourself out. That's why I take on life one day at a time." He yawns._**

"Say, that's a very good point! Maybe this fanfiction will get better from here on out!" Apollo perked up.

**_I had said I was going to the beach. Really I was going to My Dad's house. I was gonna go to the attic today. But Mom would never let me leave the house if she knew I was going there._**

"...Or, maybe the main character can keep insisting on the mother's evilness." Apollo's smile quickly turned into a frown.

**_"Is something wrong?" Sophia asks._**

**_She had pulled back to ride beside me. I stare at her blinking like an owl as I tried to grasp how she was so silent. She must be a secret ninja or government spy!... Or I could be really out of it._**

"I think the last option is the most likely." Maya frowned.

**_"I'm fine just tired." I say._**

**_"That's a lie." She says._**

**_"It is." I say simply._**

**_"And I'm not getting the truth am I?" She asks._**

**_"No you aren't." I agree._**

**_"Okay then." She says._**

"...Well, enough with that, I guess, as they're suddenly at the beach." Phoenix summarized.

"And, what a coincidence, they run into their nice neighbors!" Maya gasped with fake shock. "And, she gets hugged by Dean, who we've never brought up before because he's not that interesting."

**_Yeah I know he likes me. I'm not oblivious to that kind of thing._**

"Yet, you're completely oblivious when Jacob does it." Maya stated.

**_"I know, I missed you guys. But I've done more school." I say sliding out of his arms._**

**_He doesn't seem to mind that I did. Instead he grabs my hand._**

There was a silence.

_**"I might need your help for something Dean. It's a little project I'm starting." I say.**_

_**"What is it?" He asks eyes bright at the prospect of fixing something.**_

**_He loves to fix things. Any kind of things. Which might be why he wants to date me. He might see me as something else to fix._**

There was another silence.

**_"Thanks Dean, you don't know it now but your really helping me." I say hugging me briefly._**

There was yet another silence.

"...Okay, let's forget that was ever said." Maya blurted, quickly.

"So, Mia explains that some girl named Shio, who I'm sure was mentioned somewhere in the story, was the one who explained to her that Daitaro had found another woman." Phoenix summarized.

**_"You still don't get it do you?" Kim sighs._**

**_I stare at her for a second as if the answer is written on her face._**

**_"Get what?" I ask._**

**_I hate seeming stupid and clueless but I really am... Minus the stupid part._**

"That second statement was a lie." Maya grumbled.

**_"The pack is a family. Marcus is our pack brother. We feel each others emotions, pains and bonds. You feel like our baby sister. Add that to the fact that your also related to Quil and two imprints. We actually care about you as if you were our family. As much as we all hate to admit it. Them more than me. We love you and we want to protect you as much as we want to protect each other." Leah says._**

"Ah, so maybe she will _finally_ start to accept her new life and learn to get along with..." Phoenix started.

**_"Wow Leah that was sweet. But I have enough over protective siblings as it is. I didn't need anyone else stopping me from dating!" I laugh._**

"What is it with this bimbo and being so stubborn all the time?!" Apollo yelled. "_I'm_ less stubborn in_ court _than this bitch is of accepting her new family!"

"So, in the next chapter, Mia sneaks out at night with Dean to go to her old house." Maya summarized.

**_"So it can be fixed?" I ask._**

**_"I have to see the inside to give you anything solid." He says turning back around._**

"I'm sorry, I know this guy is supposed to be smart, but...how do you expect a teenage boy to fix a house he's never seen before?" Phoenix complained. "Sure, he fixes things, but that doesn't make him a construction worker!"

"Anyways, while looking around, the two come across a strange box with a note attached to it." Apollo stated.

_**For my dearest daughter Minnie.**_

_**In this box you will find the first piece to yourself.**_

_**The other pieces are hidden away.**_

_**All are in things that have a special meaning.**_

_**Each piece you find will lead you to the next.**_

_**I know you'll find them all, eventually.**_

_**Or I hope you do, I never meant for the mist to be permanent.**_

_**I have to go now but I'll leave you with one last piece of advice.**_

_**Sometimes things aren't as as they seem.**_

_**And people might not be who you think they are.**_

_**I love you forever and always, Dad.**_

_**"Whose Minnie?"**_

_**I glance at Dean who's chin rests on my shoulder.**_

"She was the woman my Dad used to cheat on my mom with!" Maya imitated. "Thank you for dredging up such bad memories, jerk!"

**_"That was his nickname for me. I used to love Mickie mouse so he named me Minnie." I say._**

**_"Oh." He says._**

**_What the fuck was Dad talking about? Pieces of yourself? What does that mean? As far as I know I'm completely together. He always did like riddles, but they always made sense in the end. And this didn't rhyme, his riddles rhymed._**

"So, just because it doesn't rhyme, you assume it means nothing..." Apollo grumbled. "That is not logical at all."

"So, she opens the box, and inside, she finds amber and a silver ring." Phoenix summarized.

"...And, the author decides that's enough of that for now, because in the next chapter, she goes book shopping." Maya stated. "Guess who she runs into!"

**_"Alice!" I exclaim remembering her name._**

"What a coincidence!" Phoenix shouted with mock shock.

"So, Mia and Alice go shopping along with another shapeshifter named Rose." Apollo said. "They seem like incredibly nice people, so, chances are, Mia is going to act like a bitch to them in later chapters."

"However, the pack puts two and two together and figures out that Mia was hanging out with vampires." Maya summarized.

**_"Oh my god!" My Mother says before falling onto the couch. "Don't you have any sense? I'm a failure as a Mother!" She cries hiding her face in her hands._**

"Again," Maya sighed, "this is the _evil, terrible _mother that is concerned with your safety and is worried about you."

**_"Fine, until you change your mind someone is going to have to watch you to make sure you don't hang out with the vampires." Sam sighs._**

**_"Oh stop making such a big deal of this. The only people who would actually care about my death are Harry, Billy and Grandpa! The rest of you have imprints. You'll forget about me when they hug you!" I say throwing my hands in the air._**

"Dear LORD, lady, what the hell is your problem?!" Apollo yelled. "Again, we have these people who are putting your needs before theirs, and you treat them like crap! _This _is supposed to be out main protagonist?! She's horrible! Why should I care about her in the slightest?! Why should I care about _anyone_ in the slightest?! This makes no goddamn sense!"

And, with that, the bus stopped traveling.

Conveniently, it stopped right in front of a parking lot with a sign, "Extremest Radicalist Twilight Fangirls Secret Hideout: No Free Parking."

All the Twilight fangirls got out, carrying their torture victims with them.

With that, Phoenix drove into the parking lot.

* * *

"Wow, Nick! I'm surprise! With you not being the best driver, I'm surprised we haven't gotten into any acciden..." Maya started.

Right at that moment, Phoenix's car crashed with another.

For some reason, Wah-Wah-Wah music played, and the Nostalgia Critic materialized by our car, shrugging.

"What the hell?!" the driver of the other car screamed. "My car! It's totally wrecked!"

The three numbnuts in the (now trashed) Wrightmobile got out to check the damage.

"You'd better hope your insurance covers this..." the lady of the other other car threatened. "I came all the way to Canada to find the asshole who reviewed my story..."

"Wait...story? Reviewed?" Phoenix put the pieces together. "You're Trunk'sfallenangel!"

"You know me?" she asked.

"Barely. We read your story." Maya replied.

"So, you're mad at Spongesonic for reviewing your story?" Apollo questioned.

"No." she hissed. "I'm mad at him for reviewing my story when it _isn't finished_."

"Wait, what?!" Maya, Apollo, and Phoenix yelled at the same time.

* * *

**Yeah, I didn't even check to see if the fanfic was done yet.**

**I feel like an asshole. :(**


	6. Tailseam: The Story, Not the Pairing

**I do not own Phoenix Wright, nor do I own Sonic the Hedgehog**.

* * *

_Review #4: Tailseam_

So, I was originally planning of making another part of the Valentine's Day Special, but then I found out that a) The author wasn't done with the story, and b) The author updated the story recently, indicating that they weren't done yet. So, until she's done, I've decided to do a couple of filler reviews.

Now, technically, the one I am reviewing today isn't finished, but it hasn't been updated since September of last year, so, as far as I'm concerned, it's fair game.

Okay, enough rambling, let's start!

* * *

**_The following is a prerecorded review by Spongesonic, which he made in case a group of Twilight fangirls invaded his house. Don't ask us how he knew his house was going to be attacked by Twilight fangirls, we honestly don't know._**

**February**** 5, 2013 at 3:01 p.m.**

* * *

I was sitting in the middle of the reviewing room. Pearl, Trucy, and Larry were sitting to the right of me. Kay, Gumshoe, and Apollo were sitting to the left of me.

"Hey," I said suddenly, "did you know SonAmy is my OTP?"

"That's cool." Apollo responded. "I like fish."

"My Immortal is the worst fanfiction ever." Trucy blurted.

Gumshoe said, "I'm gonna eat some instant noodles, now."

Larry happily stated, "Dude, me and my new girlfriend are totally in heaven right now!"

Pearl put her hands to her cheeks. "Did you know that Mystic Maya and Mr. Nick are destined to be together? It's true!"

"I totally kicked Mr. Edgeworth's butt in Mario Kart yesterday." Kay bragged.

We all turned to the camera.

"Don't like how abrupt that was?" I asked. "Well, too bad, because there's a LOOOOOOOOOT of that in the fic we're reviewing today, because today's fic is Tailseam by Dawnish the sister of Lilystar.

* * *

"What _can _I say about this fanfic, anyways? Okay, well, there's a couple of things, really, and that's why we're here. But, the whole entire time I was reading this, I thought to myself, _'What's the point?'_ This story is about as well constructed as a building designed by Picasso. I mean it when I say I had a better time reading 'My Flame,Blaze.'

"Now, to avoid anyone flaming me, I do not hate the TailsXCream pairing, I just hate this fic. As I said in the 'My Flame,Blaze' review, any pairing can work, it just depends on how you write it. Of course, this is the textbook example of the vice versa: any pairing can be terrible if you write it wrong.

"So, instead of talking about, why don't you say we...talk about it...erm...This is Tailseam!"

* * *

**_BEEP!BEEP!"UGH!"cried Tails. "High school!"_ **(Wait, what?)**_ Tails combed his hair and ate. He had promised Vanilla he would take Cream to High School this morning so Vanilla would not strain herself because she's getting old. _**(Huh?) **_After Cosmo died, she was in his dreams multiple times saying that she was happy he had moved on because now he liked Cream. He made sure he looked nice. After all, he did lo...Whoops he almost gave away his top secret! _**(Um...) **_He whooshed into the sky and went a block and landed at Cream's house. He then knocked and Cream and her pet chao Cheese opened the door. _**(...the heck?!)

There was a silence.

"Okay," I finally blurted, "there is too much wrong with that paragraph to sum up in one sentence, so, we'll just have to do a play by play."

**_BEEP!BEEP!"UGH!"cried Tails. "High school!"_**

"Okay, first problem, how old is Tails supposed to be?" I asked.

"Um...eight?" Kay guessed.

"Ding ding ding! That is correct!" I yelled. "And, how old would YOU happen to be, Pearl?"

"I'm nine." Pearl stated.

"And, would YOU say you are old enough to be in high school?" I questioned.

"No." Pearl responded.

"You see? Someone who is older than Tails isn't even old enough to go to middle school yet, let alone HIGH school." I stated.

**_Tails combed his hair and ate. He had promised Vanilla he would take Cream to High School this morning so Vanilla would not strain herself because she's getting old._**

"Second problem, Cream is _younger _than Tails! She's a six-year-old!" I yelled. "And don't give me that bullcrap that they just grew older, because there are future scenes that disprove this."

**_After Cosmo died, she was in his dreams multiple times saying that she was happy he had moved on because now he liked Cream. He made sure he looked nice. After all, he did lo...Whoops he almost gave away his top secret!_**

"Third problem, why does he interupt his own thoughts midway through? We already know what the secret is, considering that the title of the freaking fic is called _Tailseam_!" I shouted.

"Not only that," Trucy intervened, "but who's he afraid of hearing him? God?"

"I'm afraid of God hearing _my _thoughts..." Larry whimpered.

**_He whooshed into the sky and went a block and landed at Cream's house. He then knocked and Cream and her pet chao Cheese opened the door._**

"Fourth problem, if you are willing to defend that they simply grew older, then how do you explain the fact that Cheese is still alive?" I complained. "The maximum lifespan of a Chao is three years!"

"And you know this...how?" Apollo asked.

"I...spend a lot of time playing Sonic Adventure 2..." I admitted.

"In any case, it takes longer for me to receive a paycut than it does to kill a Chao." Gumshoe said. "Which means...wait...what does that mean?"

"It means that nothing about this paragraph makes any sense, whatsoever." I stated. "And the worst part...it's only the first paragraph!"

"So, the two lovebirds head off to class and the teach' takes attendance." Larry summarized.

**_"Katie?"_**

**_"Here!" (A Black Feline)_**

**_"Shayla?"_**

**_"Here!" (A white wolf)_**

**_"Berry?"_**

**_"Here!" (Purple Cainine)_**

**_"Brownie?"_**

**_"Here!" (A Black and brown bunny)_**

**_"Sonic!"_**

**_"Here!"_**

**_"Amy?"_**

**_"Here!"_**

**_"Sally?"_**

**_"Here!"_**

**_"Cream"_**

**_"Here!"_**

**_"Tails"_**

**_"Here!"_**

**_"Knuckles?"_**

**_"Here ya stupid child!"_**

**_"Rouge?"_**

**_"Here-ah!"_**

**_"Shadow?"_**

**_"Absent!" said Shadow._**

**_"Emeral?"_**

**_"Here!" (Metallic blue and purple Feline Hothead)_**

**_"Tiara?"_**

**_"Here!" (A Neon Green Bear)_**

**_"Ricky"_**

**_"Here!"(Panda. You guess the color :3)_**

**_"Rachel?"_**

**_"Awesome, Here!" (Pretty Blue and purple hedgehog)_**

There was a silence.

"What was the point of that?!" I yelled. "You know how to make that part a lot shorter?! Say, 'everyone appears to be here!' That's all you need!"

**_Suddenly, Sally went over to Amy and chopped a piece of her hair off._**

There was another silence.

"...Where did _that _come from?" Apollo asked.

"Get used to it." I raised my voice slightly. "There's plenty more moments like that later."

**_"Ahem. Mrs. Tang, do you mind if we settle this out side?" Amy growled to the teacher, her fists clenched._**

**_"^_^ Of course. Amy, Sally, go outside and handle this NOW!"_**

There was yet another silence.

**_"^_^ Of course. Amy, Sally, go outside and handle this NOW!"_**

Finally, I said, "Yep. What can go wrong here? I mean, it's not like it's your job to make sure these kind of things don't happen. Nope! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go jump out the nearest window."

When I got up to leave, Kay pulled me back to my seat.

"So, just when the two chicks are about to have their catfight..." Larry started.

**_"Amy, wait!" Emeral hissed with Rachel, Sonic, Tiara, and Ricky. They were standing just outside the door. Amy turned around and stared at them blankly._**

"...Why?" I asked. "I mean, the teacher is obviously okay with them duking it out in the hall, what's stopping her?"

"Because the author doesn't want anything interesting to happen." Edgeworth guessed.

**_"What about me? Does anyone care about me?" cried Sally, waving her arms around randomly._**

"Well, if you do a quick search of DeviantART..." I began. After looking at the results, my eyes widened, and I pushed the laptop to the side. "You don't wanna know."

**_"No, why the heck would anyone care about you?"growled Tiara._**

"Try telling that to DeviantART." Trucy deadpanned.

**_"BECAUSE I'M A PRINCESS!" yelled Sally._**

**_Emeral hissed furiously, growled, and unsheated her claws, drawing back her lip in a snarl to show razor sharp teeth. "WOULD YOU QUIT YELLING IN MY EAR! I AM A CAT IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED AND I HAVE SENSITIVE HEARING. I HATE YOU, SALLY, AND YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS! AMY, LET ME HANDLE THIS HERE AND NOW!" And with that, Emeral charged into battle._**

"...What just happened?" Apollo inquired.

"You got me, pal." Gumshoe shrugged. "Everything just happens so abruptly."

"Yeah. Anyways, how is your sex life?" I said in my best Tommy Wiseau impression, before receiving a slap on the back of the head. "Ow!" I turned to see that it was Trucy who slapped me.

"Not in front of...!" she started.

"Mr. Spuhnj-soo-neek?" Pearl asked. "What's a secks?"

"Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much..." Larry began, before receiving a slap, courtesy of Trucy.

"So, there is a quick, and...rather mean-spirited fight scene with Sally." Edgeworth continued. "I'm not joking when I say all the characters there mock her, even when she is beaten to a pulp!"

"That's actually a very good point!" I stated. "The other characters keep complaining that Sally is a b-..." I was about to finish that word when I received a nasty look from Trucy, and a confused look from Pearl. "...not very nice person, but these people aren't exactly angels themselves!"

**_"You better do this test again otherwise you are going to be..." She never got to finish her sentence because Emeral had hissed and growled and unsheated her claws and drew back her lip to show razor sharp teeth and attacked the teacher. Everbody was stunned except Sonic, Amy, Tiara, Rachel, Ricky and Cheese (He watches stuff like this all the time ;D). Emeral was screaming at Mrs. Tang saying, " Don't you ever treat Berry and Katie like that ever again! Or next time I really will hurt you!" Emeral was getting off of Mrs. Tang._**

**_Mrs. Tang yelled at Emeral, " You are such a viper! Go to yo desk now!"_**

**_"In case you have not noticed I am a cat and no i will not go to my desk! I will hurt you if you make one more wrong move!" So Emeral sat there the rest of home room because Mrs. Tang couldn't do anything about it or she will be attacked._**

"Uh, no, let's try this again." I interrupted.

**_"You better do this test again otherwise you are going to be..." She never got to finish her sentence because Emeral had hissed and growled and unsheated her claws and drew back her lip to show razor sharp teeth and attacked the teacher. Everbody was stunned except Sonic, Amy, Tiara, Rachel, Ricky and Cheese (He watches stuff like this all the time ;D). Emeral was screaming at Mrs. Tang saying, " Don't you ever treat Berry and Katie like that ever again! Or next time I really will hurt you!" Emeral was getting off of Mrs. Tang._**

_"SECURITY!" Mrs. Tang shouted._

_Emeral was arrested and placed on trial for assault._

**THE END**

"But, no, that never happens! The teacher is so scared that she doesn't even discipline him with detention, or anything!" I yelled. "Are you sure you want these to be our protagonists?! I'd much rather go with the squirrel spawn of Satan!"

"Actually, that's the main problem with the fic." Kay continued. "I feel no sympathy towards the main characters! They do all these horrible things, and we're supposed to _like_ them? I had an easier time liking Castillo Yew, and she killed my father!"

"Congratulations, this fic has now accomplished three things that go completely against its goal! 1) I hate the protagonists. 2) I'm siding with the antagonist. 3) That means I'm rooting for the one person that is stopping my OTP from becoming cannon! Good f*cking job!" I yelled, before receiving another slap. It was then I realized my mistake.

"Mr. Spuhnj-soo-neek?" Pearl asked. "What's a f*ck?"

The moment everyone glared at me with a fire in their eyes, I knew I was in trouble.

* * *

**TEKNIKUL DIFIKULTYS (I've been using this joke a lot, haven't I?)**

* * *

"Whew!" I gasped. "I think I managed to outrun them!" I looked all around me to check and be sure. "Now...where am I...? No, seriously, I have no idea where I am."

**_Emeral got up to go over to her sister and brother Berry and Katie to talk to them in some cat language and suddenly all three got up and went over to Tails and Emeral said, "I bet you are wondering about what is in our blood stream!? Well meet after school and I'll tell you! But I got to tell Cream and Rouge and Knuckles something," and grinned. So Emeral and her kin got up to gather Knuckles, Rouge and Cream. She had a talk with them and told Cream that Tails likes her. Cream blushed. She told Rouge that Knuckles likes her and told Knuckles that Rouge likes him. Emeral was pleased when they both blushed._**

**_"_**And, he knows this...how?" I asked. Then, I laughed, "Surely this fic is not suggesting that the ability to read people's minds exists. That'd just be too stupid!"

**_"HOW DID YOU KNOW?! TELL ME!" Knuckles screamed. Emeral and her kin flinched at Knuckles scream. "QUIT YELLING IN MY EAR OR YOU ARE REALLY GOING TO GET IT! HOW MANY TIMES AM I GOING TO HAVE TO SAY THAT?"_**

**_Emeral yelled at Knuckles. "Meet me after school and I will tell you!_**

"Aaand, the reason you can't tell them now is because..." I started.

**_Tails raised his hand and said, "The power of three is three cats who have powers! One is to run really fast two is to bite a animal not your kind and take control over them and three is to... to... to..." Tails started shivering. "TAILS? TAILS? TAILS? TAILSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" screamed Cream. Tails looked up and stopped shivering and smiled and said " I love you Cream!" and got up to Cream and kissed her right then and there!_**

I smacked my head. "What?!"

**_"I l-love you too Tails!" said Cream blushing MADLY._**

I was silent for a few moments.

"...Transition? Hello? Where are you?"

_**Does Rouge really like me?**_

_**Knuckles hit a button and paused the story "Wait, what? I never thought that!" He shouted.**_

_**"Calm down Knuckie! You are ruining the story! Now start the story again before Eme..." said Rouge.**_

_**"OWW!" said Knuckles and Rouge as something bumped into them and they fell in the same exact haystack? O.o They both looked up nervously and smiled. There right in front of them was The Emeral snarling at them.**_

_**"Oh, um, your highness..." stammered Knuckles getting up.**_

_**"START THE STORY NOW OR YOU WILL PAY! Emeral screamed.**_

_**"Yes your Highness!" Knuckles sweated and pushed the button.**_

_**Does Rouge really like me? Emeral giggled at the thought.**_

I was silent for a few more moments.

"Um...wasn't that just...so important to the story...?" I asked. "I mean, can you imagine if I did something like that in one of _my_ fics?"

* * *

**_It was the same thing as before - there seemed to be no cause of death. She was a perfecly normal, healthy person, and she dropped dead for no reason._**

**_That makes 36 thus far... Miles thought, as he examined the scene of the crime for clues. Just as he suspected, there was nothing. The kil__ler had left no trace, just as before._**

**_"Who's the victim this time, sir?" Detective Dick Gums__hoe asked._**

_Suddenly, Gumshoe paused the story._

_"What the HELL, pal?! I would never ask a question as stupid as that!" Gumshoe yelled.  
_

_I slapped him in the face. "Do not question ME, Detective! Now, get back to work if you want your salary for the week!"_

_"B-But you don't pay me anything, sir..."_

_"Exactly! Now, get back to work, slave!" I yelled._

_Gumshoe sighed._

* * *

**_Sonic barged in, "I am going to kill you, Emeral!" He yelled and lunged at Emeral. Emeral hissed and swiftly disappeared and came up behind Sonic and ran away with Berry and Katie._**

"Oh, great." I sighed. "It seems like we have another one of those 'all powerful no weaknesses' type of characters."

**_"Seems like you have some one to love little brother!" Sonic snickered. Tails and Cream both blushed. Cheese came and stuck onto Sonic faceso he could not see._** (...Wha?)**_ When that happened Cream kissed Tails on the cheek and said " I love you Tails!" Said Cream. Tails thought 'You too, Cream, you too!'_**

_And, because she couldn't hear him, she assumed he didn't love her back, so they broke up a week later._

**THE END**

**_At that moment Sally barged in and said, "Cream, Cheese, you are coming with me!"_**

**_"Not if I can do anything about it!" cried Tails and lunged at Sally. Sally grabbed his arm and tossed him into the trash can, pushing him down and slamming the lid down._**

"...Well, that was fail." I stated. "I can't believe this guy stopped a missile, once."

**_Sonic ripped Cheese off him and threw him onto Sally's face instead of his own._**

**_Sally shrieked. "GET IT OFFF MEEEE!" her muffled voice screamed from under the chao. She began to run around the room, waving her arms frantically._**

**_Emeral all of a sudden appeared, tripped Sally, and disappeared again without a trace. Sally landed head-first into a desk and slid across the room and hit her head against a chalk board, but not before Cheese smartly flew off her face and went somewhere else to avoid getting hit._**

**_Emeral, Berry, and Katie appeared again, picked up Sally - who was now unconscious - and shoved her into a big fan girls' locker who will possibly freak out at the sight of a princess as famous as Sally in her locker and never leave her alone for the rest of her miserable life._**

"I'm sorry, I know I've addressed this before, but...why all the Sally hate?" I asked. "I mean, I know that the one rival pairing to SonAmy is SonSally, but, this is being very cruel to her! I mean, look at it: she's abused, mocked, and humiliated! No wonder she's a bitch in this story! (Even though it goes completely against her character. Not that I watch a lot of SatAM or read a lot of the Archie comics.) If I were in her shoes, I probably wouldn't be all too nice to the people that constantly want to make my life a living hell! By GOD, Sal, you actually wanna date this asshole?"

**_Cream ran over to the trash can and lifted the lid. She peered inside and sweat dropped at the sight of Tails fast asleep._**

**_(SonamyPowah: I just flicked a roach xD_**

**_(PerfectClaw: SonamyPowah you are ruining my story!_**

**_SonamyPowah: I'm helping you write it. SHADDUP._**

**_PerfectClaw:YOU YOU YOU i dont know yo name!_**

**_SonamyPowah: ...that's awkward... *presses play button*)_**

I was silent yet again.

"Well...that was...random..." I said. "And, it's not the funny random, either! It's just...random."

**_"Yo, Tails!" Cream yelled into the trash can, her hands cupping her mouth. "Wake up!"_**

**_"What?" Tails woke up with a start. "Ohhhhh, heeeeeyyyyyy, Creeeeeam! ^^"_**

**_(SonamyPowah: I just ATTEMPTED to flick another roach...but I missed o.O...PERFECTCLAW, LOOK OUUUUT! It's coming your wayyyyyyy!_**

**_PerfectClaw: -_- Will you stop this and press play? *face palm*_**

**_SonamyPowah: Neverrrrrrrrr...fine.)_**

I immediately facepalmed.

"Alright..." I sighed. "You leave me no choice. Let's count how many times the author interrupts us to tell this unfunny joke."

* * *

**_(SonamyPowah: I just flicked a roach xD_**

**_(PerfectClaw: SonamyPowah you are ruining my story!_**

**_SonamyPowah: I'm helping you write it. SHADDUP._**

**_PerfectClaw:YOU YOU YOU i dont know yo name!_**

**_SonamyPowah: ...that's awkward... *presses play button*)_**

**Score: 1**

* * *

_**(SonamyPowah: Ohhhh yeeeeah that's meeee ^^...ROACH! LOOK OUTTTTT!**_

_**PerfectClaw: Oh forget this! *steals remote from SonamyPowah***_

_**SonamyPowah: :O ...MY REMOTEEEEE! HOW DARE YOOUUUU!? Fine, you deal with the roach. I'm leaving *leaves* ... *comes back* Hey, I'm back ^^**_

_**PerfectClaw: ... *play*)**_

**Score: 2**

* * *

_**(PerfectClaw: SonamyPowah did you steal my remote? *snarl***_

_**SonamyPowah: *hides remote behind her back* No...**_

_**PerfectClaw: SonamyPowah! I am the author i know everything in this story! *snarl***_

_**SonamyPowah: *nervous* Hey, you've got something in your teeth...**_

_**PerfectClaw: Really? Where?**_

_**SonamyPowah: *runs*)**_

**Score: 3**

* * *

_**(SonamyPowah: *pants with hands on knees* Phew...safe...**_

_**PerfectClaw: hahah OH NO YOU ARE NOT! *snarl* *grabs remote and disappears***_

_**SonamyPowah: ...:O... That's the third time she's snarled! There's gotta be something wrong with her teeth...**_

_**PerfectClaw: *snarls and appears without remote* OH NOW YOU ARE REALLY GOING TO GET IT! *smacks SonamyPowah and disappears***_

_**SonamyPowah: I wish I could cry right now...but my bio won't let me...DANG YOU, RACHEL!**_

_**Rachel: Hehe)**_

**Score: 4**

* * *

_**(SonamyPowah: I love Knouge...but IF YOU DO NOT ADD SONAMY SOOON I SHALL HURT YOU, PERFECTCLAW!)**_

**Score: 5**

* * *

_**(SonamyPowah: Ew. He wants to find me. *sticks out tongue* LOSERRRRRRRRR!**_

_**PerfectClaw: Ew, Shadow. Pathetic. He is so emo it is gross!**_

_**SonamyPowah: I knooooooooooooow. And he has a history of violence. DUDE. REALLY?**_

_**Shadow: *appears out of nowhere* Rachel! There you are! *drools***_

_**SonamyPowah: ACK! Gotta get back in the story, PerfectClaw! BYE!)**_

**Score: 6**

* * *

_******(PerfectClaw: Good distraction! *Purrs*)**_

******Score: 7**

* * *

******Final Number of Times this Unfunny Joke is Told: 7**

"Hmm...I wonder what the Nostalgia Critic would have to say to that?" I inquired.

Suddenly, the Nostalgia Critic popped out of nowhere, and he said, "Not Funny + Not Funny = NOT F*CKING FUNNY!" He then walked away.

"Thank you, Nostalgia Critic!" I cheered. "But, he has a point. The joke wasn't funny the first time it was told, and it wasn't funny any time it was told. Now, that isn't to say random humor can't work! It can. But, you have to put actual effort into it! In fact, I know a joke very similar to this one that actually works! ...And, oddly enough, it's from another TailsXCream fic."

* * *

_Excerpt from: To look into the future by: BlackMH_

**_It was only Cream. But then again, it was the Cream he'll marry someday-._**

**_"GET THESE THOUGHTS OUT OF MY HEAD!" he yelled; again._**

**_"Tails, what's wrong? You're screaming and you didn't stub your toe," Cream said._**

**_Tails realized what he was doing. Screaming in public in front of his future fiancé wasn-._**

**_(A/N: help me….he's choking me.)_**

**_(T/N: STOP FILLING MY HEAD WITH UNHOLY THOUGHTS!)_**

**_(C/N: is something wrong over here?)_**

**_(T/N: (stops choking B.M.H.) oh, hey Cream. Err, aren't you supposed to be in school?)_**

**_(C/N: it November, Tails. We practically got the whole month off.)_**

**_(A/N: (gasps for air) hello? We're in the middle of a fic?)_**

**_(T&C/N: sorry.)_**

**_As I was saying before a homicidal Kitsune strangled me (glares at Tails), screaming in public and in front of Cream wasn't helping. Happy now Tails?_**

**_"Yes, now I am," Tails said._**

**_"Tails, who are you talking too?" Cream asked._**

**_"Uh, no one. Heheh. What are you doing here?"_**

* * *

"Now, there are three main reasons as to why this joke works." I stated. "1) The joke doesn't just happen out of nowhere: you see it being built up to! 2) The characters react to the joke. It doesn't just happen and go away without anybody noticing. 3) It's a _one time joke_. It doesn't happen seven f*cking times!"

Then I continued, "Besides that, nothing else really happens in this chapter...there's some SonAmy...Knouge...Shadow falls in love with Rachel, I dont know..."

**_Rachel Emeral and Tailseam sat in silence. "Ya know the story you just told us was cool." Said Tails. " It was werid though. Shadow like never hits on a girl."_**

**_" We should have a competion to see who is the best fighter." Emeral said._**

I smacked my head against the nearest tree. "USE! TRANSITIONS! THEY! ARE! YOUR! FRIENDS! You can't just randomly spurt out something and hope for the best! You need to lead us into a conversation, or else we'll just be confused!"

**_"Class, I would like to introduce a new student, Trica!" Said Mrs. Tang. A black and white Hedgehog stood below Mrs. Tang. She looked brave to Tails. Shadows mouth was really on the floor. "Mrs. Tang do you mind if Trica comes and sits next to me?" Shadow asked. "Of course Shadow! Trica you may sit next to Shadow!" Said Mrs. Tang. Trica giggled. "SHADOW!" She said and glomped him._**

"...Don't look at me, I've given up trying to understand this story."I sighed. "And, in the next chapter...I have no idea what's going on. Stuff happens, there's some mention of a broken picture, but I can't follow it. And, that's as far as the author has gotten. So, you might be wondering, what're my final thoughts?"

* * *

"Well, in terms of grammar, it definitely kicks the shit out of stories like 'My Flame,Blaze.' However, in terms of story, it's pretty bad. The characters are assholes, the plot makes no sense, it's too mean-spirited for its own goos, and, of course, there are absolutely NO transitions whatsoever! Some of the problem with understanding the story comes from the fact that nothing these characters say relate to anything else they say.

Of course, taking away all the mean-spirit, plot points that make no sense, and actually having one conversation lead into another, this is a pretty bland story. We know Tails is in love with Cream right from the get-go, and that gets boring after a while. I like TailsXCream and all, but there are too many stories out there that start them off in love with each other.

* * *

"I mean, why not do something different, like starting them out as just friends, then building their relationship up over a time-span of days, weeks, months, or, dare I say it, years?" I asked. "Anything is better than this story. Bottom-line is, don't read it. This story is not worth your time. _I _could write a better TailsXCream story than this one, and that's saying a hell of a lot."

* * *

**Meanwhile...**

* * *

"Spongesonic? Where are you?" Trucy asked, holding a bat in her hand.

"Mr. Spuhnj-soo-neek? Please come out now!" Pearl yelled.

"Hey, Pearl?" Apollo asked, also holding a bat. "Did you actually do any reviewing this time?"

"Nope." Pearl admitted.

"A job well done, I would say!" Kay smiled. She had a bat, too.

I was gonna be in a HELL of a lot of trouble when I made it back to my house.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed it. I know, it's not my best review, but I honestly couldn't follow this story very well.**


	7. Who Killed My Childhood?

**I do not own Ace Attorney or Spongebob Squarepants.**

* * *

_Review #5: Who Killed Spongebob_

I used to be a fan of Spongebob.

...Well, the key words being _used to_.

Like most other ex-fans, I thought every season that came out after the kick-ass movie just got worse and worse.

However, whether you like the new seasons or not, I think it's safe to assume that all of us who have liked Spongebob at one point in our lives agree that the first three seasons are classic.

Naturally, Spongebob has had a lot of fanfics made about him.

Some are good.

Some are bad.

...This fic fits into the latter category.

* * *

**_The following is a prerecorded review by Spongesonic, which he made in case a group of Twilight fangirls invaded his house. Don't ask us how he knew his house was going to be attacked by Twilight fangirls, we honestly don't know._**

**February**** 10, 2013 at 10:32 a.m.**

* * *

Phoenix, Maya, and I were sitting at the park. Were were discussing the fic we had just read.

"...In the end, Sonic Heroes: Chaotix Version isn't a masterpiece by any means, but it has a few good laughs here and there, the grammar is good, and for a first fic, it's decent enough. It's certainly better than the author led me to believe." I summarized. "And, that is why I won't review it."

"What about that request for a Transformers fic?" Maya asked.

"Can't do it. I know nothing about Transformers, so I'd just be confused." I admitted.

"And yet, you're planning to review a Twilight fanfic?" Phoenix inquired.

"Hey, my sister read the books a long time ago, so she gave me the information I would like to know! Granted, she burned the books after reading them, so the information she gave me is limited, but still..." I defended.

"Okay, but still, it will take some preparation time before we can tackle Imprinting Sucks." Phoenix replied. "First, we need to..."_  
_

It was at that point that I blocked out what Phoenix was saying, as my eyes started to wander around the park. And, then, that's when I saw _her_...

Amber...

_Oh, Amber..._ I thought. _How I love the soft sound of your voice! How I love your scarlet hair, and how it flows in the wind! How I love your lavender eyes, and how they sparkle in the moonlight! How I..._

"Hello! Are you listening at all?!" Maya shouted.

I snapped out of my trance. "Aah! Who? What? Where?"

"I was asking you about your opinion on adding a security system for when we review Imprinting Sucks." Phoenix stated. "Should we have them, or should we just not have them?"

"Eh, whatever." I mumbled.

I continued looking at the spot where Amber was, only to find that she was not there. I sighed, returning to my state of loneliness, even though, ironically, there were two people right beside me, trying to have conversation with me.

* * *

The rest of the day, I kept thinking about her. Oh, why couldn't I just man up and ask her out? I could just go over to her place and ask her if she wanted to dine somewhere! It's as simple as that! But, NOOOOOOOOO, I had to be shy!

"Hey, what's wrong?" Maya asked, now that we were back in the reviewing room. I looked around. Only Godot (who had been there before we arrived, sipping his coffee,) Phoenix, Maya, and I were here.

"I don't wanna talk about it..." I muttered.

Phoenix replied, "Well, I know what might make you better! Why not review a crap fic to make you feel more confident about your skills as an author?"

I severely doubted that reading a crappy fic would make me forget about Amber. Still, I didn't want to seem like an unsociable jerk.

"Sure. Why not?" I replied.

Godot scanned the Spongebob section for anything to review. "Here's one...Who Killed Spongebob by GUGON." he said.

"Great. The author has the decency to forget the question mark in the title. This is going to be great, I can tell..." I deadpanned.

Godot clicked on the link.

**_One late night spongebob was sitting in his lounge when he heard the door bell, as he got out of his seat he said "I'll be right there." Then he made it to the door and opened it he was about to say hello when BAM! He was dead, the next morning at work Mr. Crabs sat in his office worried "where is spongebob it's not like him to be 2 minutes__ late"_**

I hit my head against the table. "I hate my life!" I shouted.

**_Suddenly squidward bust into the__ room_**

"He 'bust' into the room?" Phoenix inquired. "Good to know he's banging against it as opposed to entering it."

**_"Sir its spongebob"_**

"Apparently, 'it' has a Spongebob." Godot deadpanned. "Lord knows, they're so hard to come across."

**_"He's dead, he died last night"_**

**_As crabs walked back to his desk he turned to squidward and said "whe...when's the funeral"_**

"Well, he's taking this surprisingly well." I sighed. "I mean, I would've been more like, 'Oh my f*cking God, Spongebob is dead! Who killed him?! When?! How?! I lost my fry-cook! He was like a son to me! ect.'"

**_Later that night spongbob's closest friends gathered together to pay there respects to the late sponge. After the funeral all of his friends including sandy, squidward, crabs, Patrick and Mrs. Puff. As they all sat around in spongebob's lounge they all thought the same thing" who killed spongebob" suddenly a detective flippers bust into the room and said "SOMEBODY IN THIS ROOM IS A__ MURDERER!_**

"Aaaand, the detective knows this, how?" Maya questioned.

"So, through very poor exposition, it's revealed that Patrick is a genius, and that he earned respect by pretending to be dumb." I summarized. "Question: Are geniuses in the world well respected? Answer: Yes, even more so than stupid people. So, pretending to be dumb was a very stupid move on Patrick's part."

**_but spongebob found out and said he would expose me, so…so he blackmailed me."_**

**_"But I did not kill him" he said as he sat back down with his head in his hands._**

"Spongebob...and blackmail..." I repeated. "I would say this man has just killed my childhood, but Season 4 already did that to me."

**_"Now Mr. Tentacles… MR. TENTICLES" he said as he walked up to squidward, then the detective snapped his fingers in front of him, then the detective took the squids pulse and turned back the group_**

"He's dead, Jim." Maya imitated.

Godot continued, "So, through some more bad exposition, it's explained that Sandy got married to Spongebob. And, then..."

**_"Mrs. Puff, can you tell me the relation ship you have with a Sandy Cheeks"_**

"...I don't like where this is going." I whimpered.

_**"Alright"she said as she walked over and sat in her seat, she looked up "its true me and sandy are life partners"**_

Everyone slammed their heads against the table.

"Hey, remember when I said any pairing can be good, it just depends on who writes it?" I asked. "Well, there's a second factor involved. In order for it to be good, the two characters must have interacted in the_ actual CANON UNIVERSE_!"

**_Then the detective jumped in_**

**_"So you were worry about spongebob, finding out about your relationship_**

**_"Yes" Mrs. Puff said as she got up and went over to Sandy_**

**_"So you killed him, so that you two could live happily ever after"_**

**_"No, I would never kill someone and hurt this angel, and neither would she" as she looked into sandy's eyes she whispered "I love you"_**

"Hey, have you ever noticed that this detective kinda sucks?" Phoenix asked. "He's quick to accuse people, a murder happens right next to him and he doesn't notice, and every time he accuses someone, he's always wrong. I'd put more faith in Detective Gumshoe! ...No offense to him."

"So, Pearl tells her side of the story. (When did Pearl get here?) She saw him shirtless one night, and decided right the f*ck out of nowhere that he's the man for her." I continued.

"Who needs love when you have lust?" Maya shouted with mock joy.

"Actually, it is lust." Godot responded. "Because, not too long after that, they started f*cking."

"Ugh..." I groaned. "This story is so stupid that it's making my IQ drop."

**_"Now are you finished with your story" the detective said as he walked back to Pearl_**

**_"Yes" she replied_**

**_"Are you sure"_**

**_"No there's more, daddy"_**

"Hey, you could've just said, 'No, there's more,' right after the detective asked you if you were done as opposed to after 'Are you sure?'." I deadpanned.

**_"I'm- I'm pregnant, and it's spongebob's child." Pearl then looked down and began to cry again, the detective then walked over to her and was about to put his hand on her shoulder when she pushed him away and grabbed his gun and pointed it at the group, Pearl said to her self "know I will finish what I vowed to do."_**

There was a silence.

"Well...I didn't believe my childhood could die anymore than it already did, but there it goes!" I finally stated.

"So, Pearl shoots Sandy, and this has no impact on the story whatsoever." Godot continued. "The detective figures out that Pearl is innocent...somehow...it's never explained...and then he dies."

"Worst. Detective. Ever." Maya deadpanned.

**_As the detective laid on the desk they noticed a clarinet shoved into his heart. Then Mr. Krabs walked up to the body and noticed the initials S.T._**

**_"It's squidwards"_**

**_He stated in a terrifying voice then a voice from the back of the room said "yes it is squidwards" they then looked back noticed its Sponge bob_**

Everyone facepalmed.

"Hey, everybody!" I shouted. "You all like Ace Attorney. Let's play a game I like to call, 'Contradiction!' Can you spot the inconsistencies between the two statements?"

* * *

**_Then he made it to the door and opened it he was about to say hello when BAM! He was dead_**

******_they then looked back noticed its Sponge bob_**

* * *

"Can't find it? Let's look a bit closer."

******__****_he was about to say hello when BAM! He was dead_**

******__****__********_they then looked back noticed its Sponge bob_**

* * *

"Closer..."

******__****__********__********__****_He was dead_**

******__****__********__********__****__********__****__********_noticed its Sponge bob_**

* * *

******_He was dead_**

******_noticed its Sponge bob_**

* * *

******_He was dead_**

******_noticed its Sponge bob_**

* * *

"Yeah! It doesn't add up, does it?!" I yelled.

"Okay, let's wrap this up." Phoenix groaned. "Spongebob, threatens to kill everybody, Gary calls the cops, (What?) and Spongebob shoots him."

"A sniper aims a Spongebob and kills him, and Pearl is taken to the loony bin." Godot continued. "Cut to a few years later...because I'm sure nothing interesting happened in that time frame...and Pearl kills one of the doctors and uses his blood to make a pentagram and uses a magic spell to bring Spongebob back to life. And, the reason she didn't do this earlier is because...?"

"And, that's the end..." I sighed. "Wait...what does that say at the end?"

**_What horror has pearl unleashed onto the world and what will become of spongebob's friends find out in_**

**_Who killed Spongebob 2_**

**_Life After Death_**

Everyone's eyes widened.

My jaw dropped to the floor.

"Um...why don't you say we forget we ever saw that message at the end, okay?" I asked. "Oh, who am I kidding? I just know I'll get a billion requests to review it. So, what are my final thoughts on _this _story?

* * *

"Well, obviously, the grammar is horrible, but the story is worse. Nothing makes sense at all, and nothing matters. This story has quite a number of plot holes in it that feel like they could've been solved if the author put more effort into it.

"And, that's my main problem with the story. There is absolutely no effort. It just seems rushed and not thought out. At least with stories like Tailseam, I can sense that some amount of effort went into it. With this, there is nothing.

"It's not even bad enough to the point where I was raging a billion times at it. It just left me bored and indifferent. And, to me, that's the worst offense any author can make.

* * *

I closed the laptop. "Sorry, guys. I know you tried hard, but reviewing this story didn't make me feel any better." I left the room.

"Oof. He's got it bad, doesn't he?" Maya inquired.

"Got what bad?" Phoenix asked.

"Any girl can tell from looking at his eyes...he's in love." Maya responded.

* * *

I walked down the sidewalk. I really needed to clear my mind of any thoughts of Amber. I tried for a few minutes, with no success.

As fate would have it, I walked right next to the bouquet store. There was a sign in the window. I took a closer look.

**50% Off All Bouquets**

**Sale ends February 14**

**Don't Miss Out!**

February 14? Of course! Why hadn't I thought of that? I would ask her out on Valentine's Day! There was no way she would reject me on the most romantic day of the year!

I walked into the bouquet store, hoping I made it before it was too late.

...Of course, my stupid brain had no idea that asking someone out on Valentine's Day does not guarantee a date.

* * *

**Aaaand, that leads up to the events of the Imprinting Sucks review.**

**Next time: I finish up Imprinting Sucks.**

**I don't care if I'll look like an asshole, I just wanna finish it!**

**Anyways, R&R! But, no flaming!**


End file.
